A week ago I was in my sister's church and the worship was beautiful but I wasn't ready for the first song we sang. I've copied the lyrics below:
Refiner by Maverick City Music
Take me there, take me there
What you need is just an offering
It's right here, my life is here
And I'll be a living sacrifice for you
The refiner
I wanna be consumed
Purified
You take whatever you desire
Lord here's my life
There is more to the song but you get the gist. That one line stung "I wanna be tried by fire" and I reached over to hold onto my husband's arm. Neither of us could sing.
But I found myself holding on to every word of that song. My heart was straining. It wanted to sing it and mean it. I looked around at all the people singing it so normally as if it was no big deal to be TRIED BY FIRE. I mean, hello? Did anyone else realize what they were singing? What they were inviting God to do??
That was a week ago now and I'm still processing and unpacking that song and what God is trying to teach me in this season. Honestly, ever since our adoption fell through and I found myself on the opposite side of the world from three of my kids with no home to go home to, I have battled with anger, doubt, bitterness and a whole lot of confusion and disappointment.
Yes I still go to God's Word every day for hope and encouragement. Eli and I keep praying about all the things that weigh on us. We've been comforted by so many friends along the way. But for me personally, I feel like I've just barely been hanging on.
"One day at a time" has been my theme.
And then that song.
It put it all back into correct perspective for me. Yes I do want to be tried by fire. If it means being refined and more like Jesus wants me to be. If it means my family is where we need to be for Him to work and teach and mature. YES! PLEASE!
Why did it take me almost 2 months to realize this? I don't know. But I tear up as I am reminded how much God loves me that He pursued me through these heavy weeks and brought me that song when I was ready to hear it and mean it.
I wasn't able to sing that line a week ago. But guess what? Over the last few days that is the song playing in my mind and I've even been able to say the words.
Lord, I sure don't like being tried and tested. I sure wish I could stay far away from the fire. But if that's what it takes for your glory to shine. Then I want it.
