Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Thinking of our first year with Carson

My first moments holding our new son
 Tonight I was sitting in a chair under Carson's large mosquito net next to his bed, cradling him in the same position I held him those first moments I held him in my arms (pictured above.) I don't usually have to rock Carson to sleep but after a few weeks of travels and now teething and possibly sickness, he was needing me to soothe him back to sleep. So I sat there in the darkness, remembering how much lighter he was that first night. Amazed at this incredible year of raising him as our son. A flood of memories and emotions pouring over me as I rocked him to sleep.

This week I've also been thinking of and praying for Carson's first mama. She chose a closed adoption so we haven't had any contact but how I wish she could see what an adorable little boy he is. I wish she could see whether he looks like her or not. I wish she could see that he's getting to grow up in Africa and that he is so very loved - not just by us but by our whole community and everyone who meets him. I know she is thinking of him today and wondering where he is and how he is. How I hope she knows he is well and has peace about that tonight.

This is one of my favorite pictures from our first moments with Carson. A nurse led us into the newborn nursery over to a little bassinet and said, "Meet your son." He wasn't truly our son yet but before I'd even picked him up, a flood of love came over me that I can't explain. I think of one word when I look at this photo: CHOSEN. Somehow, for some reason, God chose us to be his family. God chose him for us. And in that moment, though we were feeling plenty of fear and nervousness as well, we were complete.

So no matter how many times Carson cries out to be held tonight, I'm going to treasure it. He is a gift and on this first anniversary we are so so grateful.